Looking Back

As I lay in my bed at night, our bed, the bed he has avoided and not slept in for a week and a half, I try hard not to let go of the cliff I am hanging from. It is getting harder though. I literally am now only able to hang on with one hand. Never cook while his addiction is so clearly on your mind or you too could find yourself with only one hand for a while.

We desperately need both hands if we are going to be hanging from a cliff. A cliff at which, if we fall, we will land in a place where we will find ourselves new meat for the creatures who crave to torcher souls such as ours. Never killing. That would be too easy.

I don't want to have to try to climb out of the monstrous rift again. I am not strong enough.

In the hell that I have found myself in , yet again (read my previous post for the lyrical adventure), I have been searching out new blogs. One trend I have seen, with the 2 blogs I have found recently, is that they have posted horrors from the past. I like this idea. I am thinking that it would help me. The scars I have and the pain I hold from so many years past just might be eating away at me. Yes, I am sure of it. I am a menu on the list of the most passionate foodies of the world. A delicacy per se. They seek to find me.

I don't want to be on the menu anymore. Not even the lunch menu.

So, I will be posting hurts from the past (the H will be playing the part of the rotten SOB...believe me, he will seem like one at times...and I will be playing the part of the idiot...I will definitely "look" the part all to often). I hope that this will help me in some way or another. If not, then you will all get some pretty juicy stories.

Here's to hoping. 

A Title to Property

We own our house, or more accurately, we have a mortgage. But some day it will be all paid for and we will have a paper that says it is. It will be all ours. We will own it free and clear. We own both of our vehicles. I have the titles locked safely away. They are ours. We own them. We have for almost 7 years now. It is such a wonderful feeling knowing that we don't have a car payment.

It is not easy to pay off a vehicle. They can be quite expensive, as we all know. But, it is what we have to do to keep the vehicle and, ultimately, OWN it.

Owning something is a good thing.

So when will the husband "own" his addiction and the things he has done within the addiction? I mean, really, truly OWN it??? This can't get better, we can't get better, until he owns it. And owns ALL of it. Only then can we truly work towards the healing we so desperately need and a real future.

We have been making payments far too long on this. Time to step up. Let it all out. Take a chance on me like I have taken SO many chances on him. Until he does this, we will just continue in the marshy trench we have always been in and the "predictable storm that has come every year" will continue to sneak in from shore.

I am spent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yz2ykckmHwc&list=PL49gycJmExAgy3MKFjOgAgNC0cp0W3DZW&index=7

     

"I'm frightened at night and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall and from under the door
Like the $@*& that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know it got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of that part of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
Cause the grave is set up, the hole that I dug
I gave and I gave and I gave and I gave you my trust
Like the time that we kissed and you gave me a lie
To add to the scene you pretended to cry
But I'm here and I'm cool, the way that it is
Just give me a chance and I'll try to forgive

And I don't know
And I can't guess
If we're gonna be OK
But now my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now

I've really had it with the rain of the tears
The predictable storm that has come every year
And it sneaks in from shore with a bat in it's hand
I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I can't
You're a thief and a witch but I love you to death
You steal my heart and curse under your breath
But the one thing that I can most willingly prove
That when you are gone I'll be fine without you

And I don't know
And I can't guess
If we're gonna be OK
But now my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now?

Now just hold on, hold on to me
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me"

 

Thank you Angels & Airwaves for putting my thoughts to words. This is all to fitting.

It Never Goes Away

What a stupid title for this post. Of course it never goes away. I have always known that! It is an ADDICTION, ALWAYS a struggle for them. It is all about taking it one day at a time and learning how to battle the urges. But does the pain ever end? Can it ever end? In this life or do I have to wait until after? I know that with God, and all that the Savior has done for us, it can go away. It is just SOOOOO hard!!!!

Right now I don't feel like fighting for it anymore. I have fought long and hard. Can I be fought for now, please? Can I actually feel like he wants me forever? That I am actually worth fighting tooth and nail for? I feel like it is time for him to bust his butt in all that needs to be done.

I fear this will never happen unless I walk away.

I'm back to my blog. I need it.

Dreadful date

My husband and I went out on a date a couple Saturdays ago. I had been looking forward to it for a few weeks and my husband said he had been too. We went to a play house in town that does dinner theater. We went to the matinee (when you are suppose to be dating each other every week you have to save money where ever you can) and had planned to go to a late lunch/early dinner after instead of eating the lunch type food they had to order there. This place does spoof type plays. We have been one time many years before and it was so fun and funny that I have ALWAYS wanted to go back (get seasons tickets even). It was not quite as funny as I had expected but I had pretty high expectations. In all, the play was pretty good HOWEVER when you are with the person you have such a deep and true love for and are so incredibly in love with this person WHO has this sexual addiction it changes the world and changes it A LOT. The main girl was a cheerleader and therefore was in her high school type cheerleader outfit the whole time. I went into this telling myself it would be OK and that I was NOT going to let it bother me. (this place is actually very decent, might even be owned by LDS members so I was sure it would not get ugly in a sexual way) But at times I could tell it was bothering my husband. The "simplest" things can bother someone with this addiction. Such a sucky thing for a spouse of an addict, at times you feel like you can't go anywhere. He would look down for lengths of time and that all to familiar thickness would enter the air. While I am glad that he was trying to "fight it off" (if that is in fact what was going on) it just goes to show how incredibly SUCKY all this CRAP is!!! Every thing changes in life with this addiction. PLUS, and this is a HUGE plus, IF he was at all transparent with me like he is suppose to be then he would have told me and we could have made it through it together and I think that I would have felt much better. I should NOT have to EVER ask him if it was difficult for him like I have had to in movies in the past (such as stupid Avatar). I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO ASK!!!!! I didn't ask this time. The sickness and, to be honest, the "feeling sorry for myself" has just stuck with me ever since. This is NOT how a marriage is suppose to be. I HATE THIS! I want to jump up and down screaming at the top of my lungs like a child throwing a tantrum I HATE THIS...IT IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE THIS WAY!!!!! IT HURTS TOOOOO MUCH!!! WHY, why does it have to be this way? I don't want my marriage to be this way! WHY can't he just grow some EFING balls and do what he is suppose to be doing to be in recovery?!?!? I go through so many emotions because of this: Is he not trying because he is enjoying the addiction at this time? Is he afraid that if he opens up to me then he won't have as easy a time hiding his pleasures during the "act out" phase? Is he not trying because me and this marriage are not worth the hard work it would take to be in recovery? I seriously get so upset that I get diarrhea (tmi I know but it is how it is). This life is just too hard and I am not sure I/we will make it out together. I have got to get back to ME! I have got to get closer to my Heavenly Father who is always there for me and can help ME through this. No matter the outcome for my husband and our marriage, I know that if I do what I need to do to get closer to my Heavenly Father then I will be OK. I have to keep reminding myself of this though because the pain that this addiction has brought me really is extremely unbearable at times. This addiction truely must be one of Satans most powerful tools. It damages and destroys so many people in so many ways. Look at how it crushes the spouse of an addict...we don't even have the addiction and it can destroy us. It is everywhere and so acceptable now a days. Satan just might win in this marriage.

Back to counseling

My husband and I have been going to a place/program called Lifestar. It is a place with incredible professionals who work with not only the addict but the spouse/significant other of the addict through everything. The addicts need to learn how to become sober and how to stay sober (that is such a very "sum it up" statement but I am not wanting to go into all the addict stuff right now) and they are there to help the spouse/significant other to learn how to heal. There is so much healing to do when you are the sps/sig other of a person who has a pornography/sexual addiction. I am sure that throughout my blogging I will no doubt cover (in as best a way possible) just some of the things that we experience and go through as the sps/sig other.

While I have continued to see my therapist @ Lifestar monthly, my husband and I had stopped going to see the therapist we see together. We are extremely blessed to be able to have this person as our therapist. He helped start Lifestar. We did not stop because we were not getting anything out of it. My husband seemed to forget about our appointments and only remembered when I told him I would meet him there. He didn't seem to remember; actually at times he flat out forgot, his assignments. I wasn't seeing much of a change/care in him. So when we had to cancel and reschedule our appointment in October I just left it. Thought that I would wait and see how long it took for my husband to say something, maybe ask when our next appointment was or why we were not going anymore. He never asked. This addiction and recovery from it is not easy. During the phase one of the Lifestar program they have recovered/sober addicts come to talk to you and answer any questions you have. Every single one of them said they had to take it one day at a time, work extra hard, be transparent and take extra precautions because triggers are EVERYWHERE. (on a side note to that: one guy who talked to us said that all it took was for him to be at a stop sign and to see a woman's hand on a steering wheel in the car stopped beside him...his mind would begin to wonder..."her hand is attached to her arm, her arm is attached to her shoulder etc. etc. etc on and on"...he was triggered) I was not and still am not really seeing my husband do these things such as working extra hard and he is definitely NOT being transparent...AT ALL! I am very unsure of our out come in this together. I can only focus on my recovery and healing. As for his I will always need to surrender it over to God, my hire power.

I finally asked him if he didn't want to go anymore. This was about Christmas time. He said he wanted to go. Whatever. Our Bishop (we are LDS) called us into his office to check up on how we were doing. He knows of our issues, he is the one who referred me to Lifestar and the wonderful therapists there. I had been thinking of the possibility that I might have to leave this marriage, a lot. You can't help but have it run in your mind when you are married to an addict of this sort. I had wanted to talk to my husband for a couple of weeks in January and let him know that I was thinking that I might have to do this however; we had other big family issues that kept on getting in the way and this was not something I wanted to just mention as we passed each other in the hallway. When my bishop asked; my husband gave his "oh I'm doing this" answer...when my bishop looked at me I told him what I had been thinking. I won't go into detail on what all was said but will say that we were given a bit of instruction on what we were to do. One thing was he wanted us to go back to therapy.

We saw our therapist this past Monday March 1st. Our file was in his archive drawer. Embarrassing. We will see how things go. My husband claims to be almost 10 months sober. I can honestly say I don't really believe him but cannot worry myself with that. I have to focus on me and my health and healing. I need to become closer to God and surrender my husbands honesty and recovery over to God.

I hope to keep up on this blog much more often. I have not gotten on in fear that my husband will see it but that should not be an issue AT ALL because this is a sort of place for me to vent and put my feelings. It is part of my therapy. If it bothers him then he does not care for my recovery and healing. This blog is anonymous and will remain that way. I am not going to reveal who he is.

A Bit of the Background

OK where to start. I want to tell my story but also need to remain anonymous for now so here is what I can say.

My first marriage was to a man with a very developed (best way to describe it) sexual addiction. He was quite a bit older than me...I was VERY young when we got married. I really had no idea of his addiction, I mean don't all guys like sex??? So young and so naive was I. I am not going to go into to much at this time about the first marriage. I really wasn't in love with him so things were different for me in that marriage. His addiction didn't hurt me, I didn't really take it personally. In my eyes he was a disgusting freak with a serious problem. It was easy fro me to say he was addicted to the porn and everything else but I never really knew just what it meant for me to say this. It was like saying "I love chocolate, I am addicted to it" [I am not personally addicted to chocolate, it often gives me heartburn. (said as I am eating a chocolate brownie with heartburn I might add, it is the week of Christmas after all & my counter is full of yummy gifts from friends and neighbors)]. I took my one child from that marriage and left.

I met my current husband at my place of employment in 2001. We both started working there on the same day. We were friends right off. We continued our friendship for months. I did end up knowing one night that we would end up being together. I had heard of how this happens to people and now knew what they meant. It was just a solid feeling. We continued the friendship but did start spending more time just one on one. And then we made it exclusive. Time went by. We got engaged to be married the end of 2002. During this time I felt like there was something not quite right. Yes we were suppose to be together, that I knew for sure, I could feel that. I would pray at night that if there was anything that I needed to know then it would be made known. I also prayed for my soon to be husband. I ended up finding out that he had been spending time with a female coworker. I was going to call everything off immediately! As I drove to his house I could feel my love for him so strongly. I decided to give him a chance as long as he would answer the 3 questions I was going to ask (& already knew the answers to cause I had just gotten done talking to the female coworker) honestly then we might have a chance to work through this. He failed and failed miserably. I gave him the ring back and told him I had just gotten done talking to her. I knew that they didn't do anything physical so there was no reason for him to lie (not that being physical IS a reason to lie!) I left. Never planning on seeing him again.

He called the next day and left me a message. All but crying asking for another chance. I didn't know what to do. Why was he doing this to me?!? It took me all day and a lot of convincing from others for me to be able to call. OK, this is gonna be LONG if I tell everything in detail so I am going to skip ahead just a bit: After a week or 2 and a lot of thinking on my part I decided to give it another chance but without taking the ring back. For the next year things where pretty good. We got married the end of Spring 2004. I was so happy, my son was happy and my new husband seemed happy. My husband was an online gamer. Everquest, World of Warcraft type things. He would spend all hours of the night online playing. I didn't like it but I didn't want to force him to come to bed with me either. In my mind I felt like if he wanted to be there then he would be there. Every now and then I would have that feeling that there was something I needed to know. I had so many very very long nights.

In 2006 we were pregnant. We were both working and about the middle of the pregnancy a rather large amount of money was missing from our joint account. I was worried that something had happened at the bank. I asked my husband about it and he acted shocked because he said he had deposited it. A bit later he said that he remembered what he had done with it...I KNEW that he was lying. I spent that day home and that is when the dying really began. My mind went crazy with what he could have used the money for. I knew he was lying and didn't know what I was going to do. I was pregnant. I was so lost. He held onto his story even later when I found more proof of his lies. It wasn't until Fall of 2007 that I found out more. I had just happened across some info that showed my husband was having an online affair with a girl across the country. It was then that I was prompted to ask him if the missing money from 2006 had gone to porn. Very surprisingly he admitted to it. I have to admit that I was relieved to finally know the where abouts of the missing money. We could deal with the porn issue later cause first we had to deal with this girl issue (in my eyes they were 2 different things...little did I know that its all part of the same problem). The following week was absolute HELL! I had an appointment with my lawyer. In my mind I thought that if another girl was involved then of course my marriage was over, right. I was told that if I did love him then I should stay and fight so I did. I canceled my appointment and started fighting. He was a totally different person that whole week. It wasn't until his mom, dad and I fasted and prayed that he finally came out of his far off state.

A few weeks later the porn issue was abruptly brought back to my attention. I was absolutely CRUSHED! My self esteem, well being, security, safety all turned to liquid. I was dying. I knew that I needed professional help if I was going to survive this. I went to my Bishop (I am a Latter Day Saint...also known as Mormon) to see if he could help with getting me a therapist/counselor. I told him every detail of everything from my husband and I's past together. He told me it was all connected and that my husband needed help. He gave me a pamphlet for a place that gave the kind of help we both needed. It is a place for people with sexual/porn addictions and their spouses. They specialize in helping the addict and helping the spouse get through all the pain and disaster that come from being with an addict. I was told to talk to my husband to see if he would go. WOW that was going to be a miracle! My husband had out right laughed at me when I had suggested marriage counseling...there was NO WAY he was going to agree tot his! I prayed and prayed and then approached my husband with the pamphlet. I told him that I was planning on going even if he didn't go. He looked over that pamphlet for about 2 minutes and then said that he would go. I was absolutely shocked and amazed. We started a month later with the program and then a month later than that with one on one counseling with the therapists at the program. It has been incredibly helpful for me. I know that it has helped my husband ALOT however for recovery, for both the addict and the spouse, you can only do as good as you allow and make yourself do.

This is my story...VERY summed up but you have the idea. I will most likely refer back to things that have happened in the past so more bits of the story will come into play. Welcome to my world, my journey. I wish that you and I didn't have a reason to be here, I truly do! However, this addiction is so incredibly common now. It surrounds us all. Everyone knows someone close who has this addiction...they may just not know it.

Please feel free to comment on every post that you have a comment on. I hope to be your friend through this. This is not something that anyone should have to suffer through alone.