Looking Back

As I lay in my bed at night, our bed, the bed he has avoided and not slept in for a week and a half, I try hard not to let go of the cliff I am hanging from. It is getting harder though. I literally am now only able to hang on with one hand. Never cook while his addiction is so clearly on your mind or you too could find yourself with only one hand for a while.

We desperately need both hands if we are going to be hanging from a cliff. A cliff at which, if we fall, we will land in a place where we will find ourselves new meat for the creatures who crave to torcher souls such as ours. Never killing. That would be too easy.

I don't want to have to try to climb out of the monstrous rift again. I am not strong enough.

In the hell that I have found myself in , yet again (read my previous post for the lyrical adventure), I have been searching out new blogs. One trend I have seen, with the 2 blogs I have found recently, is that they have posted horrors from the past. I like this idea. I am thinking that it would help me. The scars I have and the pain I hold from so many years past just might be eating away at me. Yes, I am sure of it. I am a menu on the list of the most passionate foodies of the world. A delicacy per se. They seek to find me.

I don't want to be on the menu anymore. Not even the lunch menu.

So, I will be posting hurts from the past (the H will be playing the part of the rotten SOB...believe me, he will seem like one at times...and I will be playing the part of the idiot...I will definitely "look" the part all to often). I hope that this will help me in some way or another. If not, then you will all get some pretty juicy stories.

Here's to hoping. 

A Title to Property

We own our house, or more accurately, we have a mortgage. But some day it will be all paid for and we will have a paper that says it is. It will be all ours. We will own it free and clear. We own both of our vehicles. I have the titles locked safely away. They are ours. We own them. We have for almost 7 years now. It is such a wonderful feeling knowing that we don't have a car payment.

It is not easy to pay off a vehicle. They can be quite expensive, as we all know. But, it is what we have to do to keep the vehicle and, ultimately, OWN it.

Owning something is a good thing.

So when will the husband "own" his addiction and the things he has done within the addiction? I mean, really, truly OWN it??? This can't get better, we can't get better, until he owns it. And owns ALL of it. Only then can we truly work towards the healing we so desperately need and a real future.

We have been making payments far too long on this. Time to step up. Let it all out. Take a chance on me like I have taken SO many chances on him. Until he does this, we will just continue in the marshy trench we have always been in and the "predictable storm that has come every year" will continue to sneak in from shore.

I am spent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yz2ykckmHwc&list=PL49gycJmExAgy3MKFjOgAgNC0cp0W3DZW&index=7

     

"I'm frightened at night and the wind has a roar
It seeps through the hall and from under the door
Like the $@*& that was said
I can't take it that well
I give and I give and I give and I give and I'm still
Lost and hurt and bone thin from the love that's been starved
I know it got close but I'm sure it's too far
From the point of suspense, we know it should be
The end of that part of our favorite movie
When the guy grabs the girl and gives her his hand
Says take me away from this torturous land
Cause the grave is set up, the hole that I dug
I gave and I gave and I gave and I gave you my trust
Like the time that we kissed and you gave me a lie
To add to the scene you pretended to cry
But I'm here and I'm cool, the way that it is
Just give me a chance and I'll try to forgive

And I don't know
And I can't guess
If we're gonna be OK
But now my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now

I've really had it with the rain of the tears
The predictable storm that has come every year
And it sneaks in from shore with a bat in it's hand
I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I'm trying I can't
You're a thief and a witch but I love you to death
You steal my heart and curse under your breath
But the one thing that I can most willingly prove
That when you are gone I'll be fine without you

And I don't know
And I can't guess
If we're gonna be OK
But now my last wish
Is that you do this with me
Kiss me here and hold my hand
Let me feel like I'm the only one
I know you can
Won't you do it for me now?

Now just hold on, hold on to me
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me (hold on to me)
Hold on, hold on to me"

 

Thank you Angels & Airwaves for putting my thoughts to words. This is all to fitting.