A Bit of the Background

OK where to start. I want to tell my story but also need to remain anonymous for now so here is what I can say.

My first marriage was to a man with a very developed (best way to describe it) sexual addiction. He was quite a bit older than me...I was VERY young when we got married. I really had no idea of his addiction, I mean don't all guys like sex??? So young and so naive was I. I am not going to go into to much at this time about the first marriage. I really wasn't in love with him so things were different for me in that marriage. His addiction didn't hurt me, I didn't really take it personally. In my eyes he was a disgusting freak with a serious problem. It was easy fro me to say he was addicted to the porn and everything else but I never really knew just what it meant for me to say this. It was like saying "I love chocolate, I am addicted to it" [I am not personally addicted to chocolate, it often gives me heartburn. (said as I am eating a chocolate brownie with heartburn I might add, it is the week of Christmas after all & my counter is full of yummy gifts from friends and neighbors)]. I took my one child from that marriage and left.

I met my current husband at my place of employment in 2001. We both started working there on the same day. We were friends right off. We continued our friendship for months. I did end up knowing one night that we would end up being together. I had heard of how this happens to people and now knew what they meant. It was just a solid feeling. We continued the friendship but did start spending more time just one on one. And then we made it exclusive. Time went by. We got engaged to be married the end of 2002. During this time I felt like there was something not quite right. Yes we were suppose to be together, that I knew for sure, I could feel that. I would pray at night that if there was anything that I needed to know then it would be made known. I also prayed for my soon to be husband. I ended up finding out that he had been spending time with a female coworker. I was going to call everything off immediately! As I drove to his house I could feel my love for him so strongly. I decided to give him a chance as long as he would answer the 3 questions I was going to ask (& already knew the answers to cause I had just gotten done talking to the female coworker) honestly then we might have a chance to work through this. He failed and failed miserably. I gave him the ring back and told him I had just gotten done talking to her. I knew that they didn't do anything physical so there was no reason for him to lie (not that being physical IS a reason to lie!) I left. Never planning on seeing him again.

He called the next day and left me a message. All but crying asking for another chance. I didn't know what to do. Why was he doing this to me?!? It took me all day and a lot of convincing from others for me to be able to call. OK, this is gonna be LONG if I tell everything in detail so I am going to skip ahead just a bit: After a week or 2 and a lot of thinking on my part I decided to give it another chance but without taking the ring back. For the next year things where pretty good. We got married the end of Spring 2004. I was so happy, my son was happy and my new husband seemed happy. My husband was an online gamer. Everquest, World of Warcraft type things. He would spend all hours of the night online playing. I didn't like it but I didn't want to force him to come to bed with me either. In my mind I felt like if he wanted to be there then he would be there. Every now and then I would have that feeling that there was something I needed to know. I had so many very very long nights.

In 2006 we were pregnant. We were both working and about the middle of the pregnancy a rather large amount of money was missing from our joint account. I was worried that something had happened at the bank. I asked my husband about it and he acted shocked because he said he had deposited it. A bit later he said that he remembered what he had done with it...I KNEW that he was lying. I spent that day home and that is when the dying really began. My mind went crazy with what he could have used the money for. I knew he was lying and didn't know what I was going to do. I was pregnant. I was so lost. He held onto his story even later when I found more proof of his lies. It wasn't until Fall of 2007 that I found out more. I had just happened across some info that showed my husband was having an online affair with a girl across the country. It was then that I was prompted to ask him if the missing money from 2006 had gone to porn. Very surprisingly he admitted to it. I have to admit that I was relieved to finally know the where abouts of the missing money. We could deal with the porn issue later cause first we had to deal with this girl issue (in my eyes they were 2 different things...little did I know that its all part of the same problem). The following week was absolute HELL! I had an appointment with my lawyer. In my mind I thought that if another girl was involved then of course my marriage was over, right. I was told that if I did love him then I should stay and fight so I did. I canceled my appointment and started fighting. He was a totally different person that whole week. It wasn't until his mom, dad and I fasted and prayed that he finally came out of his far off state.

A few weeks later the porn issue was abruptly brought back to my attention. I was absolutely CRUSHED! My self esteem, well being, security, safety all turned to liquid. I was dying. I knew that I needed professional help if I was going to survive this. I went to my Bishop (I am a Latter Day Saint...also known as Mormon) to see if he could help with getting me a therapist/counselor. I told him every detail of everything from my husband and I's past together. He told me it was all connected and that my husband needed help. He gave me a pamphlet for a place that gave the kind of help we both needed. It is a place for people with sexual/porn addictions and their spouses. They specialize in helping the addict and helping the spouse get through all the pain and disaster that come from being with an addict. I was told to talk to my husband to see if he would go. WOW that was going to be a miracle! My husband had out right laughed at me when I had suggested marriage counseling...there was NO WAY he was going to agree tot his! I prayed and prayed and then approached my husband with the pamphlet. I told him that I was planning on going even if he didn't go. He looked over that pamphlet for about 2 minutes and then said that he would go. I was absolutely shocked and amazed. We started a month later with the program and then a month later than that with one on one counseling with the therapists at the program. It has been incredibly helpful for me. I know that it has helped my husband ALOT however for recovery, for both the addict and the spouse, you can only do as good as you allow and make yourself do.

This is my story...VERY summed up but you have the idea. I will most likely refer back to things that have happened in the past so more bits of the story will come into play. Welcome to my world, my journey. I wish that you and I didn't have a reason to be here, I truly do! However, this addiction is so incredibly common now. It surrounds us all. Everyone knows someone close who has this addiction...they may just not know it.

Please feel free to comment on every post that you have a comment on. I hope to be your friend through this. This is not something that anyone should have to suffer through alone.