Back to counseling

My husband and I have been going to a place/program called Lifestar. It is a place with incredible professionals who work with not only the addict but the spouse/significant other of the addict through everything. The addicts need to learn how to become sober and how to stay sober (that is such a very "sum it up" statement but I am not wanting to go into all the addict stuff right now) and they are there to help the spouse/significant other to learn how to heal. There is so much healing to do when you are the sps/sig other of a person who has a pornography/sexual addiction. I am sure that throughout my blogging I will no doubt cover (in as best a way possible) just some of the things that we experience and go through as the sps/sig other.

While I have continued to see my therapist @ Lifestar monthly, my husband and I had stopped going to see the therapist we see together. We are extremely blessed to be able to have this person as our therapist. He helped start Lifestar. We did not stop because we were not getting anything out of it. My husband seemed to forget about our appointments and only remembered when I told him I would meet him there. He didn't seem to remember; actually at times he flat out forgot, his assignments. I wasn't seeing much of a change/care in him. So when we had to cancel and reschedule our appointment in October I just left it. Thought that I would wait and see how long it took for my husband to say something, maybe ask when our next appointment was or why we were not going anymore. He never asked. This addiction and recovery from it is not easy. During the phase one of the Lifestar program they have recovered/sober addicts come to talk to you and answer any questions you have. Every single one of them said they had to take it one day at a time, work extra hard, be transparent and take extra precautions because triggers are EVERYWHERE. (on a side note to that: one guy who talked to us said that all it took was for him to be at a stop sign and to see a woman's hand on a steering wheel in the car stopped beside him...his mind would begin to wonder..."her hand is attached to her arm, her arm is attached to her shoulder etc. etc. etc on and on"...he was triggered) I was not and still am not really seeing my husband do these things such as working extra hard and he is definitely NOT being transparent...AT ALL! I am very unsure of our out come in this together. I can only focus on my recovery and healing. As for his I will always need to surrender it over to God, my hire power.

I finally asked him if he didn't want to go anymore. This was about Christmas time. He said he wanted to go. Whatever. Our Bishop (we are LDS) called us into his office to check up on how we were doing. He knows of our issues, he is the one who referred me to Lifestar and the wonderful therapists there. I had been thinking of the possibility that I might have to leave this marriage, a lot. You can't help but have it run in your mind when you are married to an addict of this sort. I had wanted to talk to my husband for a couple of weeks in January and let him know that I was thinking that I might have to do this however; we had other big family issues that kept on getting in the way and this was not something I wanted to just mention as we passed each other in the hallway. When my bishop asked; my husband gave his "oh I'm doing this" answer...when my bishop looked at me I told him what I had been thinking. I won't go into detail on what all was said but will say that we were given a bit of instruction on what we were to do. One thing was he wanted us to go back to therapy.

We saw our therapist this past Monday March 1st. Our file was in his archive drawer. Embarrassing. We will see how things go. My husband claims to be almost 10 months sober. I can honestly say I don't really believe him but cannot worry myself with that. I have to focus on me and my health and healing. I need to become closer to God and surrender my husbands honesty and recovery over to God.

I hope to keep up on this blog much more often. I have not gotten on in fear that my husband will see it but that should not be an issue AT ALL because this is a sort of place for me to vent and put my feelings. It is part of my therapy. If it bothers him then he does not care for my recovery and healing. This blog is anonymous and will remain that way. I am not going to reveal who he is.