Thursday, March 11, 2010
Dreadful date
My husband and I went out on a date a couple Saturdays ago. I had been looking forward to it for a few weeks and my husband said he had been too. We went to a play house in town that does dinner theater. We went to the matinee (when you are suppose to be dating each other every week you have to save money where ever you can) and had planned to go to a late lunch/early dinner after instead of eating the lunch type food they had to order there. This place does spoof type plays. We have been one time many years before and it was so fun and funny that I have ALWAYS wanted to go back (get seasons tickets even). It was not quite as funny as I had expected but I had pretty high expectations. In all, the play was pretty good HOWEVER when you are with the person you have such a deep and true love for and are so incredibly in love with this person WHO has this sexual addiction it changes the world and changes it A LOT. The main girl was a cheerleader and therefore was in her high school type cheerleader outfit the whole time. I went into this telling myself it would be OK and that I was NOT going to let it bother me. (this place is actually very decent, might even be owned by LDS members so I was sure it would not get ugly in a sexual way) But at times I could tell it was bothering my husband. The "simplest" things can bother someone with this addiction. Such a sucky thing for a spouse of an addict, at times you feel like you can't go anywhere. He would look down for lengths of time and that all to familiar thickness would enter the air. While I am glad that he was trying to "fight it off" (if that is in fact what was going on) it just goes to show how incredibly SUCKY all this CRAP is!!! Every thing changes in life with this addiction. PLUS, and this is a HUGE plus, IF he was at all transparent with me like he is suppose to be then he would have told me and we could have made it through it together and I think that I would have felt much better. I should NOT have to EVER ask him if it was difficult for him like I have had to in movies in the past (such as stupid Avatar). I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO ASK!!!!! I didn't ask this time. The sickness and, to be honest, the "feeling sorry for myself" has just stuck with me ever since. This is NOT how a marriage is suppose to be. I HATE THIS! I want to jump up and down screaming at the top of my lungs like a child throwing a tantrum I HATE THIS...IT IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE THIS WAY!!!!! IT HURTS TOOOOO MUCH!!! WHY, why does it have to be this way? I don't want my marriage to be this way! WHY can't he just grow some EFING balls and do what he is suppose to be doing to be in recovery?!?!? I go through so many emotions because of this: Is he not trying because he is enjoying the addiction at this time? Is he afraid that if he opens up to me then he won't have as easy a time hiding his pleasures during the "act out" phase? Is he not trying because me and this marriage are not worth the hard work it would take to be in recovery? I seriously get so upset that I get diarrhea (tmi I know but it is how it is). This life is just too hard and I am not sure I/we will make it out together. I have got to get back to ME! I have got to get closer to my Heavenly Father who is always there for me and can help ME through this. No matter the outcome for my husband and our marriage, I know that if I do what I need to do to get closer to my Heavenly Father then I will be OK. I have to keep reminding myself of this though because the pain that this addiction has brought me really is extremely unbearable at times. This addiction truely must be one of Satans most powerful tools. It damages and destroys so many people in so many ways. Look at how it crushes the spouse of an addict...we don't even have the addiction and it can destroy us. It is everywhere and so acceptable now a days. Satan just might win in this marriage.
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Back to counseling
My husband and I have been going to a place/program called Lifestar. It is a place with incredible professionals who work with not only the addict but the spouse/significant other of the addict through everything. The addicts need to learn how to become sober and how to stay sober (that is such a very "sum it up" statement but I am not wanting to go into all the addict stuff right now) and they are there to help the spouse/significant other to learn how to heal. There is so much healing to do when you are the sps/sig other of a person who has a pornography/sexual addiction. I am sure that throughout my blogging I will no doubt cover (in as best a way possible) just some of the things that we experience and go through as the sps/sig other.
While I have continued to see my therapist @ Lifestar monthly, my husband and I had stopped going to see the therapist we see together. We are extremely blessed to be able to have this person as our therapist. He helped start Lifestar. We did not stop because we were not getting anything out of it. My husband seemed to forget about our appointments and only remembered when I told him I would meet him there. He didn't seem to remember; actually at times he flat out forgot, his assignments. I wasn't seeing much of a change/care in him. So when we had to cancel and reschedule our appointment in October I just left it. Thought that I would wait and see how long it took for my husband to say something, maybe ask when our next appointment was or why we were not going anymore. He never asked. This addiction and recovery from it is not easy. During the phase one of the Lifestar program they have recovered/sober addicts come to talk to you and answer any questions you have. Every single one of them said they had to take it one day at a time, work extra hard, be transparent and take extra precautions because triggers are EVERYWHERE. (on a side note to that: one guy who talked to us said that all it took was for him to be at a stop sign and to see a woman's hand on a steering wheel in the car stopped beside him...his mind would begin to wonder..."her hand is attached to her arm, her arm is attached to her shoulder etc. etc. etc on and on"...he was triggered) I was not and still am not really seeing my husband do these things such as working extra hard and he is definitely NOT being transparent...AT ALL! I am very unsure of our out come in this together. I can only focus on my recovery and healing. As for his I will always need to surrender it over to God, my hire power.
I finally asked him if he didn't want to go anymore. This was about Christmas time. He said he wanted to go. Whatever. Our Bishop (we are LDS) called us into his office to check up on how we were doing. He knows of our issues, he is the one who referred me to Lifestar and the wonderful therapists there. I had been thinking of the possibility that I might have to leave this marriage, a lot. You can't help but have it run in your mind when you are married to an addict of this sort. I had wanted to talk to my husband for a couple of weeks in January and let him know that I was thinking that I might have to do this however; we had other big family issues that kept on getting in the way and this was not something I wanted to just mention as we passed each other in the hallway. When my bishop asked; my husband gave his "oh I'm doing this" answer...when my bishop looked at me I told him what I had been thinking. I won't go into detail on what all was said but will say that we were given a bit of instruction on what we were to do. One thing was he wanted us to go back to therapy.
We saw our therapist this past Monday March 1st. Our file was in his archive drawer. Embarrassing. We will see how things go. My husband claims to be almost 10 months sober. I can honestly say I don't really believe him but cannot worry myself with that. I have to focus on me and my health and healing. I need to become closer to God and surrender my husbands honesty and recovery over to God.
I hope to keep up on this blog much more often. I have not gotten on in fear that my husband will see it but that should not be an issue AT ALL because this is a sort of place for me to vent and put my feelings. It is part of my therapy. If it bothers him then he does not care for my recovery and healing. This blog is anonymous and will remain that way. I am not going to reveal who he is.
While I have continued to see my therapist @ Lifestar monthly, my husband and I had stopped going to see the therapist we see together. We are extremely blessed to be able to have this person as our therapist. He helped start Lifestar. We did not stop because we were not getting anything out of it. My husband seemed to forget about our appointments and only remembered when I told him I would meet him there. He didn't seem to remember; actually at times he flat out forgot, his assignments. I wasn't seeing much of a change/care in him. So when we had to cancel and reschedule our appointment in October I just left it. Thought that I would wait and see how long it took for my husband to say something, maybe ask when our next appointment was or why we were not going anymore. He never asked. This addiction and recovery from it is not easy. During the phase one of the Lifestar program they have recovered/sober addicts come to talk to you and answer any questions you have. Every single one of them said they had to take it one day at a time, work extra hard, be transparent and take extra precautions because triggers are EVERYWHERE. (on a side note to that: one guy who talked to us said that all it took was for him to be at a stop sign and to see a woman's hand on a steering wheel in the car stopped beside him...his mind would begin to wonder..."her hand is attached to her arm, her arm is attached to her shoulder etc. etc. etc on and on"...he was triggered) I was not and still am not really seeing my husband do these things such as working extra hard and he is definitely NOT being transparent...AT ALL! I am very unsure of our out come in this together. I can only focus on my recovery and healing. As for his I will always need to surrender it over to God, my hire power.
I finally asked him if he didn't want to go anymore. This was about Christmas time. He said he wanted to go. Whatever. Our Bishop (we are LDS) called us into his office to check up on how we were doing. He knows of our issues, he is the one who referred me to Lifestar and the wonderful therapists there. I had been thinking of the possibility that I might have to leave this marriage, a lot. You can't help but have it run in your mind when you are married to an addict of this sort. I had wanted to talk to my husband for a couple of weeks in January and let him know that I was thinking that I might have to do this however; we had other big family issues that kept on getting in the way and this was not something I wanted to just mention as we passed each other in the hallway. When my bishop asked; my husband gave his "oh I'm doing this" answer...when my bishop looked at me I told him what I had been thinking. I won't go into detail on what all was said but will say that we were given a bit of instruction on what we were to do. One thing was he wanted us to go back to therapy.
We saw our therapist this past Monday March 1st. Our file was in his archive drawer. Embarrassing. We will see how things go. My husband claims to be almost 10 months sober. I can honestly say I don't really believe him but cannot worry myself with that. I have to focus on me and my health and healing. I need to become closer to God and surrender my husbands honesty and recovery over to God.
I hope to keep up on this blog much more often. I have not gotten on in fear that my husband will see it but that should not be an issue AT ALL because this is a sort of place for me to vent and put my feelings. It is part of my therapy. If it bothers him then he does not care for my recovery and healing. This blog is anonymous and will remain that way. I am not going to reveal who he is.
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