Dreadful date

My husband and I went out on a date a couple Saturdays ago. I had been looking forward to it for a few weeks and my husband said he had been too. We went to a play house in town that does dinner theater. We went to the matinee (when you are suppose to be dating each other every week you have to save money where ever you can) and had planned to go to a late lunch/early dinner after instead of eating the lunch type food they had to order there. This place does spoof type plays. We have been one time many years before and it was so fun and funny that I have ALWAYS wanted to go back (get seasons tickets even). It was not quite as funny as I had expected but I had pretty high expectations. In all, the play was pretty good HOWEVER when you are with the person you have such a deep and true love for and are so incredibly in love with this person WHO has this sexual addiction it changes the world and changes it A LOT. The main girl was a cheerleader and therefore was in her high school type cheerleader outfit the whole time. I went into this telling myself it would be OK and that I was NOT going to let it bother me. (this place is actually very decent, might even be owned by LDS members so I was sure it would not get ugly in a sexual way) But at times I could tell it was bothering my husband. The "simplest" things can bother someone with this addiction. Such a sucky thing for a spouse of an addict, at times you feel like you can't go anywhere. He would look down for lengths of time and that all to familiar thickness would enter the air. While I am glad that he was trying to "fight it off" (if that is in fact what was going on) it just goes to show how incredibly SUCKY all this CRAP is!!! Every thing changes in life with this addiction. PLUS, and this is a HUGE plus, IF he was at all transparent with me like he is suppose to be then he would have told me and we could have made it through it together and I think that I would have felt much better. I should NOT have to EVER ask him if it was difficult for him like I have had to in movies in the past (such as stupid Avatar). I SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO ASK!!!!! I didn't ask this time. The sickness and, to be honest, the "feeling sorry for myself" has just stuck with me ever since. This is NOT how a marriage is suppose to be. I HATE THIS! I want to jump up and down screaming at the top of my lungs like a child throwing a tantrum I HATE THIS...IT IS NOT SUPPOSE TO BE THIS WAY!!!!! IT HURTS TOOOOO MUCH!!! WHY, why does it have to be this way? I don't want my marriage to be this way! WHY can't he just grow some EFING balls and do what he is suppose to be doing to be in recovery?!?!? I go through so many emotions because of this: Is he not trying because he is enjoying the addiction at this time? Is he afraid that if he opens up to me then he won't have as easy a time hiding his pleasures during the "act out" phase? Is he not trying because me and this marriage are not worth the hard work it would take to be in recovery? I seriously get so upset that I get diarrhea (tmi I know but it is how it is). This life is just too hard and I am not sure I/we will make it out together. I have got to get back to ME! I have got to get closer to my Heavenly Father who is always there for me and can help ME through this. No matter the outcome for my husband and our marriage, I know that if I do what I need to do to get closer to my Heavenly Father then I will be OK. I have to keep reminding myself of this though because the pain that this addiction has brought me really is extremely unbearable at times. This addiction truely must be one of Satans most powerful tools. It damages and destroys so many people in so many ways. Look at how it crushes the spouse of an addict...we don't even have the addiction and it can destroy us. It is everywhere and so acceptable now a days. Satan just might win in this marriage.